Sometimes there aren't conclusions, just process...
In the late evening with the moon partial and lit bright, I dipped my body into the cold ocean. It started off slow with me walking my feet close so that only my ankles would touch the sea, into splashes of water reaching my calves but like always the ocean knows me best and I had to come closer. I unbuttoned my flannel shirt, took of my earrings, took out the stones from in-between my bussom, handed it all to my friend behind me, and sunk my body deeper. As I filled hand-fulls of water in the palm of my hands and covered my chest, I could feel the heat, the warmth, the clamor of release from my heart. The waves became stronger. Suddenly, I was leaving the insecure space of "am I fill in the blank enough?" Instead I listened to the needs of my body. With my black sports bra, purple yoga pants and bracelet dangling off my wrist, I danced with the ocean. I asked questions and her reply- the ocean, was "let me clean you, come closer."
The ocean has always been home for me- a refuge. When I am in trouble or a message needs to be spoken she, ocean, calls me and I hear her waves in my ear. But this time my body knew before she called and like an observant daughter I drove to the ocean to visit her. She as mother, pored her special water over my body. And now that my own flesh of a mother and I have distance and she goes places where love and light can't reach, I need the ocean more than ever. As I child and into my youth my mother introduced me to the sea and it became a consistent ritual of every week going for limpÍas that only the ocean could provide. This night was another ritual, I asked questions and in Spanish she answered me accompanied by her embrace. Her hands were all over my body.
Without the pressure the day brings of being pretty in my swimsuit, I heard the dangling of my bracelets, raised and opened my arms as the waves regained access to my heart. "Let me wash your back," she said. There is something that the night provides, and intimacy without eyes watching me, that I so needed. We spoke about my fears: Is this path for me? Should I go back and work for a private institution? Is he out there- a man who is open and willing to be a man- vulnerable, a communicator, and so much more of the whole person he needs to be to live this life? Were the girls right, will I learn the hard way? Sometimes, I feel that I can't find my way and it's a fuckkn spiral. My heart wants something that I can only see in my vision and the fight is becoming exhausting. You brought me back here, I know you did and now what? I was moving around to find some peace of mind and now I am back here- home? With all the judgments and same insecurities that made me leave. This beat is still my own and I am drumming alone.
"Continue to dip your body, stay close, you are not ready to leave me yet. Let me clean you," she continued to say.
"Healing isn't linear"
My body was overheating with all the details and thoughts of my choices and the cold ocean cooled my engines. I miss my mother and father and I'm still hurting from their divorce. We don't speak like I need because they can't hold space for the emotion the shadow part of life brings.Their separation made me feel a void. I became my own parent, best-friend, care taker, and partner. I'm grateful for all that I know and my own courage. Dipping my body in the water reminded me of my childhood and what my mother instilled in me that would help me, in these sometimes, treacherous walk of life. Perhaps its maturing-emotionally, physically, spiritually and intellectually that has me in this push-pull-resistant and surrendering battle with my environment and self. I get scared that like my mother, I will give up, be alone, no lover-"real man" or "love" the kind that is healthy- observant, respectful, discerning, nurturing and whole. I am scared that I will give into laying my body near a struggling soul who can't see me nor themselves but looks "good". Or perhaps like my father, incapable of being still, angry, hostile and so much more. Sometimes, I am not sure if I have room for another in my life but really, I don't want to make room for another person's shadow. I don't want to be the only aware one, loving soul, embracing body. Then I think, have I gone too far with my self-care, so far that a man can't reach me? or, or, or, or ,or ,or- I need to practice yoga and be still.