Lately, I've been wondering, who am I becoming? The last time I had "growing pains," I was in middle school, and I was growing in height at such a rapid rate that my joints ached; I was just beginning to talk to boys instead of only having crushes. Now, I try to avoid human contact by grocery shopping at odd ball hours, going to the gym super early and hiding in nature as much as possible. I 'm sure it's my season of the Hermit. Sometimes we need to take time to let go of what no longer serves our journey. It's an emotional spring cleaning.
I have been thinking about death in all forms. This has been a conversation in my journal for quite some time. I know it is part of growing up to know that many of one's relationships stop, change and very few can transform and blossom into something stronger. This is where my heart ache begins. I have three brothers and my parents are divorced. One of my youngest brothers called me tonight to express his sadness because our old brother, who is a genius yet is an Afro-latino with mental illness, is unreachable because he is in another unhealthy spiral. I chose to soothe my brother's aching heart by telling him that we have to accept our older brother's journey. We both have to lay to rest the brother we grew up with that we thought was "crazy" not realizing that it wasn't that simple. We had to let go of the brother who told us incredible hilarious stories, listened to classical music, and learned a new language every couple of years. I think he now speaks eight languages in total. It was a death that I had been grappling with myself.
No longer am I this young girl bouncing around cities playing the "game" of dating while what I really wanted someone warm tender and kind. I have calmed down into a space for myself and not into the societal excepted role of settling for or with a man. I'm more in tune with my spirit mind and emotional body; books still bring me great joy, and travel and nature inspire me. There has been a death of the chaos of my roaring twenties. I just wish some of my family members could experience this peace that I have entered.